


Darling, won't you hold my hand?

by Ode_to_ships



Series: Darling, won't you hold my hand? [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Lydia is tired, Scott is positive, Stiles is just worrying all the time, Stiles is pessimistic as usual, Stydia, angsty stydia from stiles' point of view
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-07-16 09:07:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7261762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ode_to_ships/pseuds/Ode_to_ships
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"But he loves her and she doesn't love him. They only hold hands when she's hurt. His jeep doesn't smell like her anymore."</p>
<p>Or, my take on Stiles' thoughts in the hospital in 5x20.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Darling, won't you hold my hand?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is my first stydia Drabble on here. I wrote this one because I have a firm belief that Stiles was having some serious internal thoughts while this scene was happening. And I really love writing angsty stiles. I hope you enjoy! I plan on writing more, so I hope you guys like it.  
> Also, I'm making a part two because someone asked for it, and even if they're the only one who reads it, I enjoyed writing it, and would enjoy writing a part two(:

“Okay, yeah. I’m gonna need to leave?” The words hung in the air for exactly 2 seconds before Melissa gave him a look of disapproval mixed with disbelief.

“You aren't going anywhere. Hold her hand.” 

There was a certain sense of relief that flooded Stiles at being told what to do in this situation, and before he knew it, his feet and mouth were moving at the same time.

“Fine, I’m not leaving but I still might faint.”

Then her hand is in his, and did it get easier to breathe all of a sudden? Her hand is so cold, and nothing about her is bright and alert like his Lydia is supposed to be. She isn't his Lydia. He swallows the disappointment. He doesn't swallow the anger. He’s in a constant state of panic, anxiety, and anger. He’s angry at himself, when isn't he, for leaving her at the station even though she'd insisted that it was okay. That she would be fine. She wasn't. He’s angry that she happens to be the answer to another supernatural problem because he just wants her safe. The threats go through the shortest fucking resurgence periods, and he's angry about that too. He’s angry that the only time he’s holding her hand these days is when she's in a hospital. How’d he let it get like this? He knows the answer. He focuses on the anger instead. Anger is just easier right now. He can deal with the crushing weight of his fuck ups later. 

Suddenly she’s squeezing his hand as hard as she can. He swears to God he’s never wanted to be a werewolf more than he does right now just so he can take her pain. He’s half annoyed that Scott isn’t doing it. Then he has a thought that sends his heart slamming into his ribs. Maybe she only wants him to hold her hand, and maybe Scott has been picking up on that. Scott didn't touch her in Eichen either… He pushes it away and swallows more disappointment. He will not let himself think that is why he seems to be the only one holding onto Lydia. 

Then it’s over and she’s letting go. He doesn't want to let go. He wants to hold her hand, and take away her pain. He doesn't want her in the middle of this like he knows she has to be. He doesn’t want to watch her get hurt anymore. He doesn't want this life anymore if it means that Lydia can just be safe. 

Melissa is shuffling them out of the room so Lydia can get dressed. He begins pacing outside her door, much to the annoyance of Liam. 

“Dude the shot worked. Stop pacing. It’s making me nervous.”

He stops and shoots Liam a look that has the young beta looking at the floor with very direct concentration.

“Stiles man, it’s okay. This is gonna work.” Scott is all reassurance all the time. Half the time Stiles is grateful for the positivity Scott keeps spewing. The other half he wants to punch him. He gets it though. Someone has to keep them going and it sure as hell isn’t him. 

“I know. I just.. I don't want to put all this on her. We just got her out of Eichen, and now she's here and she’s gotta go fight and I just.. I really don't want her to.” Stiles has finally stopped pacing, but he can't look at Scott or Liam because that’s as close as he's gotten to a confession of his feelings for Lydia in a really long time. He knows that Scott has always known, but that doesn't make admitting it to himself any easier. He’d been running away from those feelings for awhile.

“I know. I don't want to either, but we have to. She can save Mason. And Lydia’s strong, she’ll be okay, and I’ll be watching her. I won't let anything happen to her.”

Stiles looks up at makes eye contact with Scott, willing him to understand what he’s trying to say without him having to say it out loud. He really doesn't want to say it out loud. He isn't ready to just yet. 

Scott gives him a slight nod. Stiles lets go of the breath he was holding. 

The door to Lydia’s room opens, and she comes walking out at a pace that does not say healthy and healing. It says exhaustion and defeat. 

“Lydia lets get you a wheelchair.” Stiles goes to turn but is stopped by a firm no. “Lydia please. You can barely walk.”

“I said no, Stiles. Respect that and do not make me talk more than I have to.”

Stiles stands there for a minute looking at her, debating whether he should just go and get the damn wheelchair anyway. Then Lydia looks up at him, and she has this look in her eyes that screams “don't you dare”, even though the rest of her face is screaming “let me go to sleep”.

“Fine. But then I’m helping you walk. Don't even argue.”

“Stiles…” Lydia groans out.

“Stop. I'm doing it and you're letting me, and that's the end of it.”

“Are you sure we shouldn't just let her walk…..” Liam’s questions dies on his lips when Stiles shoots him yet another look. Liam promptly goes back to examining the floor. 

“Guys we have to go. We’re running out of time, and someone still needs to go and get Malia.”

Stiles and Scott exchange a look, and Stiles knows who the designated Malia savior is going to be. Since he isn't a werewolf, he can’t fight The Beast. Since he isn't a banshee, he can’t save Mason. But he can run, albeit not all that well, but still. His jeep can run, albeit not all that well, but again, still. 

“Let's get moving then.” He grits out knowing full well the shit show is about to start.  
He puts one arm around Lydia’s waste, grabs her other arm, and starts heading towards the elevator at the end of the hall. Scott is on the other side, his hand wrapped around Lydia's right arm, just in case. Stiles gets hit by a wave that feels distinctly like family, even in the fucked up situation that they are currently residing in. And he just knows that they have to win this one because he can’t lose anymore people. He can't lose anymore parts of himself. 

He’s so caught up in his thoughts, he doesn't even notice them getting in the elevator. Then they’re getting out, and Liam is trying to push his way forward. Stiles sends him an annoyed glance. 

He starts to take off saying he’s going to go get Malia as he’s turning. He just wants to get out and get Malia so he can get back to Lydia. He wants to be there to keep an eye on her, and he desperately wants to tell Scott to wait to confront The Beast so he can be there too. He knows Scott won't go for it because it wouldn't be safe, and neither will Lydia for the exact same reason, so he doesn't bother asking. 

“Hold on,” He hears Scott say. So he turns around trying to hide is annoyance at the delay, “I need you to give these to Malia.”

“What’s this?”

“It was plan A.”

“Plan A never works.” Stiles could win a fucking gold medal stating the obvious. Scott gives him a slightly exasperated look.

“This one will.” Stiles nods his understanding, turns and runs away. 

As he’s going he's praying this plan works. He just needs this plan to work. He wants Malia safe, Scott safe, Liam safe, Mason safe. He needs Lydia safe. Needs it like oxygen.

As he’s going he’s thinking about missing pieces, how he's lost so many parts of himself, and how running away from Lydia feels like leaving a piece behind. He wishes it didn't, but it does. There’s a fear pulsing in him that's in time with his breathing as he’s running out of the hospital towards his jeep. 

He gets in, turns it on, on the first try, which thank fucking god, and pulls out of the parking lot. He’s trying really hard to ignore the nagging in his stomach telling him to turn around, grab Lydia, and run the hell away from this town. He feels like a dick because what about Scott? Then he feels even worse because what about Malia? Broken up or not, it shouldn't be this easy to disregard her. But it is. It is because Scott, Lydia, Melissa, and his dad are the only people on the Earth that he loves more than anything. His pack is his pack, but the aforementioned four, are intrinsic parts of him that keep alive and breathing. They keep him from staying in bed, from giving up, and for Stiles, giving up seems easier these days. 

His strongest instinct is Lydia though. 

“I love her.” He whispers it into the emptiness of the jeep. It’s just a whisper but it reverberates like a shout. He glances around expecting someone to have heard him, but no one is there.

“I love her.” He says it louder, and the jeep stutters in response. He curses quietly expecting it to break down, but it stays running and he's still moving.

“I love her.” He says it with conviction because fuck, he loves her. He loves her so goddamn much that it’s carving a hole in his chest. He loves her and she doesn't love him, and they only hold hands when she's injured, and his jeep doesn't smell like her anymore. 

He’s never unselfishly loved someone in his whole entire life, but he loves her unselfishly. And it doesn't break his heart that she won't love him back, though that hurts like a motherfucker too. What breaks his heart is that someday she’s going to fall in love and get married, and the guy won't see her for all she is. Lydia Martin deserves to be worshipped. She deserves to be happy. She deserves to have someone sit back and watch her shine like she always has to Stiles, and he’s so afraid that she won't find that guy. He would be that guy in an instant, but he’ll take what he can get, because he is selfish. He loves her unselfishly, but wants her time and attention like the selfish bastard he is. Someday he’ll tell her. He’ll tell her because he’ll have to for his sanity, and he’ll pray that she doesn't leave him out in the cold. 

That’s what he keeps repeating over and over and over.

Someday. Someday. Someday. But then he stops. 

Because he loves her and she doesn't love him. They only hold hands when she's hurt. His jeep doesn't smell like her anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm impvlsivee on Tumblr! ((:


End file.
